Saturday, January 01, 2005

a guide to conduct for the next 52 weeks

1. Don’t drink and surf, especially if there’s a credit card to hand. I mean, if you went into a shop that drunk, they’d get the spotty boy (with the uniform, who couldn’t get into the police), to chuck you out.
2. Avoid solipsism. Easier said than done. Blogs are an example of utter self-regard, so that’s me being a bit post ironic.
3. Infantilism, ditto.
4. Garlic is a vegetable, not a religion.
5. Start to learnFrench. And organise jobs and accommodation in Paris for the '05/'06 academic year.
6. Grow at least 72 kinds of perennial herbs from seed.
7. Remember that excessive consumption of cheap red wine stains your lips purple, for God’s sake!
8. AND, when you’ve excessively consumed as above, keep shut the fuck up.
9. “Anger is an energy”, it’s true, but it can get you punched in the face if displayed in certain situations. You’re a fan of The Sopranos, not one of them, you daft fucker.
10. Always wear a seat belt when travelling by car in Libya: you know it makes sense.
11. Don’t do drugs. At work.
12. Remind yourself that most fuckwits have either genetic or environmental reasons for being the way they are. They require sympathy, not censure. Euthanasia is not appropriate.