Who started all this bullshit? Ms Malignant C must be strongly implicated, of course, as her team (who, we learn, have a polymath captain), square up in a match which apart from the colossal derby rivalry, is in any case offering three very valuable mid table points. Win or lose, I can't wait to see what she manages to write in tomorrow's Guardian, another nuanced approach to the beleaguered Hughton theme, I'll bet.
And now, as if in a sports' reporters lager fuelled dream, Maradonna appears on the scene. Could you imagine him at St James? Plenty of entertainment for the supporters of every other team, it would be another nightmare for us. So, Ashley, you fat fuck, put pen to paper on a new contract for our Chris. Now.