Saturday, November 24, 2007

The Geordie Family McFuck

You know who they are: think that a couple of hours in Asda is a good day out for the kids, and fill several trolleys with trans fats and processed sugar.

Today I tried to get the lift to the platform at South Shields Metro: with The Bairn in her pushchair the stairs are out of the question. An old man with a stick got to the lift just before me and pressed the button. After a few seconds the door opened and four immensely fat and immensely stupid faces peered out. An adolescent girl, I think it was, amongst them spoke for the rest of the family when she said "Oh fucking hell we're still on the ground!" With no word to me or the old timer, she pressed a button and the door closed again. After a few minutes, the lift still hadn't moved. Then we heard a distant voice inside asking for help, the door was stuck... I gave up and went to get the bus instead, leaving 120 stones of blubber in the lift to ponder why it hadn't used the stairs, instead of breaking the lift to the detriment of the disabled and push chair users.

I wondered, what would they do for food if not rescued within minutes? Eat one another? Or maybe just eat the lift? They'd rendered it immobile, their only criteria for judging items to be food.